When the Internet goes "skwreeeeeeee"

I was a junior in high school when I discovered it.  And I would race home every Sunday after church, forgoing lunch, and reluctantly leaving when my Mom determined I’d had enough.  I’d sneak it as often as I could during the week.  This may or may not surprise you, reader, but when I was but girl of 16, I played an online RPG.  The kind that allowed one turn per day; and that turn required the player to type in commands for his or her avatar to execute.  I have been a bonafide geek for as long as I can remember.

I am reminiscing about this game today, because what I recall most is having to wait the excruciating 30 minutes for the skwreeeeeee of the internet to connect, then navigate to the requisite page, and finally – FINALLY – load my character.  Yes, I’m feeling nostalgic today.  Remember that sound, the modems talking to one another, like international telephone operators of the 1940’s?  

Allow me to explain why this memory is pertinent today:

When I told the Officer that I wanted to live in a tranquil environ, with the potential for introverts to putter around in their hermit-ish comfort, I got everything I was bargaining for in our mountain home.  No, really.

Also known as:

WE AIN’T GOT NO STINKIN’ INTERNET!

When we moved up here, it was challenging enough to let go of Instagram –oh, how I was looking forward to posting pics of us hiking through our woods, my morning coffee view from our balconies (yes, plural), or the snow accumulation that is bound to happen.  Okay, fine.  I admit (now) that those would be bragg-y, and I should refrain from such behavior, even on social media.  Lesson acknowledged.  And I let go of the urge to Insta-everything.    

But it was like losing touch with family and dear friends when I realized I couldn’t text from my house.  Or my property.  Or anywhere but in the city because we get no cell service up here.  Ouch.  That one hurt.  We actually have to call each other now.  And talk.  Or, we Skype.  Which is fine until someone moves the computer and I get seasick; or the kids loose interest in talking and decide Skype is more a personal video session so they shove one another in and out of the video box, trying to out-awesome the other person.  There’s that.  So the quick, come-and-go-as-I-please conversations of text are non-existent.  C’est la vie. 

And Snap Chat – now how are my baby sister and I supposed to make stupid faces at one another?!  Fine, that’s now a city only activity, too.

But, now.  NOW.  The internet has decided to give me a whopping 0.5mps.  You read that right:

ZERO. POINT. FIVE.

We’ve tried two different companies.  A nationwide conglomerate is currently taking a substantial amount of my money every month on the promise that we’d get 1.5mps.  Yeah, I defy them to watch the Breaking Bad series finale on that speed – let alone the 0.5 we’re actually getting.  Do you know how many times that show has to stop to buffer?!  Do you care that it’s always at the worst freakin’ time for the feed to freeze?!

A local company came out, with tantalizing teasers of 5 whole mps for the same dollar amount.  The tech didn’t even get up on my roof.  His official diagnosis: “You’re S.O.L.” 

Thanks, bro.  Thanks.

So guess what?  All those recipes I’ve stored on Pinterest, the ones that I was challenging myself to make (a la Julia and Julia)…yeah, I can’t get to those.

And all the Christmas shopping I’ve been budgeting for and plotting on Amazon and Esty?  Yeah, graphic-intense pages like those just laugh at me instead of loading.

And the Officer’s new RPG, the one he’s waited over a year for?  Yeah, bought it for his birthday, but now I don’t even know how it’s going to download. 

The Netflix que I’ve been developing for the long winter, the Hulu shows I’ve been eyeing for drill weekends, the Skype dates I’ve planned with out of state family and friends?  Yeah, those are collecting technological dust somewhere in the cloud.

What, then, is a mountain girl to do?  Thankfully, I just celebrated my birthday with a spree on Amazon (before ISP issues) and I have a grip of books to read. 

 

I have a puppy who needs multiple daily walks.  I have kindling that needs collecting, an art room that needs setting up, two prayer teams that need knee-bending, a Bible study that needs doing, a secret room that needs building, Koine that needs refreshing, a novel that needs finishing, two studies that need writing, walls that need framing/drywalling/painting, a car that needs tinkering, an out-dated bathroom that needs a makeover, and two minis that need mothering.

So I’m gonna sign off, hoping that the internet will let me load this to my blog.  I’ll start dinner, go tinker with one of those aforementioned projects, and when the minis get home, I think we’re gonna have a sock skating contest in the living room – maybe even before homework. 

Enjoy your interwebs, friends.  I’ll endure my withdrawls here in the hills and try to remember to charge my smart phone so I can use it as an alarm clock.